Photo is of smoke from our morning campfire at an undisclosed location somewhere on the back of Pikes Peak, August, 2011.
psychology
What Is Your Relationship to Silence? – Danielle LaPorte
Danielle LaPorte asks her burning question of the week. What is your relationship to silence? I found this a very intriguing question. As I began to ponder the question I wondered how many uber-busy people out there would even get the question. In a time of e-mail, Facebook, smart phones, electronic tablets, and huge TVs, I began to wonder how many people actually know what real silence is anymore. If I grabbed fifty of my Facebook friends and asked them if they meditated or spent any time in silence on a regular basis, what would I find? I suspect that very few would respond that they do.
For me silence is comforting. The world has become a noisy, dirty, mean, joyous, frenetic, volume on max, cacophony of speedy activity. I guess I’m kind of old fashioned or maybe it’s because I’ve found that my best writing comes to me out of silence. I own an android phone, I have a Facebook account, email, and entertainment system that includes a 47” flat screen TV, as big ‘ol stereo receiver and surround sound, but I spend the majority of my day – quiet. I’m sure that will change once I find a day gig to support me while I’m writing, but for now, I relish each quiet day. I don’t turn on the 47” TV during the day. In fact it is off until my husband gets home from work in the evening. Most days, I don’t even turn on my favorite companion, music. It’s fabulous, but then I’ve always been the kind of person who grabbed a bit of silence whenever I could. Don’t get me wrong though, I also do my fair share of making noise and running around like a madwoman.
Silence is refreshing. Silence is grounding. Silence is soothing. Silence is the place where the infinite, the holy, and I meet. Silence is the place where my angel wraps her wings around me and gives me strength. In silence my spirit rests. In silence I find the beauty of my own spirit. Silence makes no demands and yet its incredible power changes lives.
I appreciate the quiet moments in my life. Not long ago, my son and I sat in the living room, each on our respective computer. Me working on a story and he working on some video editing, I believe. We sat silently working for some time and I deeply appreciated the fact that this person who had been raised with all the modern day distractions our electronic era has to offer, could still sit comfortably in silence with another. He is a mere twenty-one years old and is already wiser in the ways of silence than many other adults I know.
Obviously I think silence is a good thing. I think everyone should get a little bit of it every day. Not necessarily in the form of intentional meditation, but if nothing else, to unplug for a while. In taking a moment to hear yourself, you connect to the divine or higher self. Silence allows us to give our brains a rest from the myriad of stimuli that are thrown at it every other second of the day. I know a few people, myself included, who tend to go outside, take a walk or find a quiet place to sit when a particularly difficult or complicated issue comes up at work. Many times that few moments of silence is all that is needed for the answer to a problem to show itself. Silence is valuable.
Now that I’ve told you mine, what is your relationship to silence? Is it a good thing, or do you have better things to do with your time? Does silence make things you don’t want to think about crop up for you, or is it a comfort?
Sorry May Not Be The Hardest Word…
According to Sir Elton John, Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Although sorry is a heavy, heavy, word there may be an even harder word to deal with…forgive. Forgive can be an extremely difficult concept, especially when it comes to people, ourselves included. According to Merriam-Webster.com, this kind of forgiveness is defined as “to cease to feel resentment against.” Seems simple enough in theory, but it can be oh so hard in practice. Many people seem to think that to forgive someone they have to accept whatever the transgression has been as okay. That’s not true. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the violator but naming him/her, and everything to do with the victim.
And still it is sometimes so difficult to forgive. Knowing that it will free you, knowing that it will make you lighter, knowing that it will release the burden…still it can be so daunting. So some people keep dragging that burden around keep letting it make little cuts in their psyche, keep letting it hold them back, from the right relationship, the right job, the right whatever. Think about it, is there someone that still burns your chaps when you think about him/her? I bet there is. Maybe it’s an ex maybe it’s a family member or a friend, maybe it’s a stranger. Recently, for me, it was some previous coworkers.
I was recently reminded of my neglect in forgiving them when they ended up sitting in my line of sight at a local event. The first thing that entered my head was “You gotta be kidding me! There goes my afternoon!” Then “Really, you’re going to give these slime balls that kind of power?” I’m so grateful for those times that I can actually hear my quiet voice of reason whispering to me. She was right. That, my friends, is the power of forgiveness – the power to completely dissolve any power that someone has over you because of some transgression or violation they have perpetrated against you. As long as you haven’t forgiven them, they live rent free in your head all the time, affecting your thoughts, your actions, and how you feel. Did I walk up to them and say “Hey, yeah, uh, I forgive you.” Nope. That’s the cool thing about forgiveness, participation of the heathen violator is not necessary. One more thing that proves that forgiveness is for your own well-being, not that of the meanie that hurt you.
“But I’m still really mad!” you say. That’s okay. This was one of those particularly difficult forgivings for me, but I did it. I did it right then and there. Here’s how I know that it worked. I’m still pissed about what these people did, but it no longer sits in my heart like a cold, lead cannonball, weighing me down. My heart feels open and light like it should. You don’t have to give up your feelings and surrender; you just have to let the darkness out. You can work through the rest afterwards, but oddly enough, you can’t work it out and move on until you’ve done the forgiving part.
Have you ever had a hard time forgiving someone? I’d love to hear how you overcame it or how you’re working through it.
Don’t Tread on Me
Learning how not to be taken advantage of when you’re an open, empathic heart is difficult. It’s taken a long time for me to learn that saying “no” is, in many cases, better than saying “yes”. Here’s the thing about being there for everyone all the time…it’s exhausting and it doesn’t really help anyone, including you, especially if you are being taken advantage of or used you as a crutch. Saying “yes” when everything in you is screaming “no” is wrong. Yes, it is. Think about that obligatory function that you promised you’d go to with your coworker or friend even though you hate “functions” and you’re especially not into the topic. What happened when she asked you to go? Did your chest tighten up? Was there a voice in your head screaming “NO” while another was trying to find justification for saying no, while another was trying to convince you that it wouldn’t be that bad and you’d get to spend time with your friend? Did your throat start to feel like it wanted to close up? Did you already feel guilty for even thinking of saying no?
If none of this has ever happened to you, good for you! You apparently know how to say “no” in no uncertain terms. You probably won’t be interested in anything further said here. Have a nice day.
As for the rest of us who have been faced with the hard “no’s” this is for you. IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO…………TO ANYTHING! There. I said it. It’s out in the open and I feel fabulous! You do not have to be a doormat. You do not have to hold anyone else up. You can focus on the stuff you need/want.
Where is all this coming from, you may ask? Well, as I began taking writing seriously and started writing for a purpose (and hopefully make a buck or two) I learned something pretty quickly. I had to take myself seriously as a writer if I expected others to take me seriously. That meant that my writing time had to become sacred no matter whether anyone else understood it or not. It’s my job to make the people in my life understand that I am working when I am writing just as much as if I were going to the office. That means that if I’m at work I am not available to go to functions that aren’t relevant to my job or no longer fit into my plans, do favors that I wouldn’t ordinarily do while I’m on the clock and so on. When I am writing, I am on the clock and people will only take that as seriously as I do.
I’m not saying that you get to arbitrarily say “no”. All I’m saying is seriously think about the things that you’re saying “yes” to that really, really make you want to pull your hair out and examine why “no” might be a better answer. Also, think about why you want to say “no” as this could be very enlightening. If you’re saying “no” out of fear, then maybe you should think about saying “yes” (unless your fear is that saying yes will immediately lead to another situation where you are once again forced to say “yes” or “no”). Empower yourself to be you!
Just something to think about…
Where Have All the Good Mannered People Gone?
Warning! The following is a rant and may be offensive to barbarians, heathens, savages, and other people your mother may have accused of being uncivilized and possibly used in comparison to others.
I’ve been wondering where common manners have gone. I feel like I’m some kind of old-fashioned relic just because I expect people to have manners. I’m not talking about middle-ages chivalry here or some strange guy throwing his brooks brothers down so I can walk over a puddle, just the everyday stuff, like holding the door for the next person or for someone who obviously needs it because they are handicapped or have their hands full. I’m talking about a simple please and thank you. I’m talking about asking instead of demanding, responding with a simple yes or no when you are asked to attend an event. I’m talking about dencent table manners and chewing with your mouth shut. Where have all the good mannered people gone?
Here’s a story from when my kids were younger, before I had a real cell phone and when many of my friends didn’t have one. My Daughter was about 12 and my son was about 9. We were on our way home from a school function. I was wearing a dress and heels and the kids were tired out. It was dark and the roads were a slushy mess from a recent snowstorm. We were barely a block away from the school when my tire went flat. Now let me just say that I am in no way some damsel in distress that doesn’t know how to change a tire. My dad made sure of that. Thanks dad! 🙂 However, I was in a dress and heels and had two young children in the car.
I pulled off onto a neighborhood side street, a cul de sac, I think it was. A few minutes later a few men came out of one of the houses to see what was up. I couldn’t believe that not a one of them lifted a finger or so much as offered to change the tire for me even when I had a little trouble with one of the lug nuts and told them I had the little ones in the car. Although one was kind enough to hold a flash light for me. After all, they were in jeans and boots and I was now squatting in the slush, ice melt, and muck ruining my dress and my heels. I certainly wasn’t going to ask since I was perfectly capable of changing the tire myself, but where were the manners?
On more than one occasion either my husband or I have invited someone over or out somewhere well in advance so that they had time to plan and RSVP only to have them hem-haw around and never hear a definitive from them and find them absent from wherever said invitation was to. Sometimes we’ll even try to make contact a day or two before to no avail. I ask you, where are the manners? A simple yes or no will do people.
When my kids got old enough to attend birthday and slumber parties at their friends’ houses I consistently received high praises from parents about how polite and thoughtful they were. Kids would come to my house and say “I want this” or “I want that” no please, no “may it”, just “I want”. Really? No wonder the other parents thought my kids were a joy to be around.
Don’t even get me started on the way kids dress in public with their saggy pants and wearing their pajamas and slippers in public. I wasn’t even allowed out of my room until I was fully dressed except on Christmas day when I got to wear the pj’s that were picked out by my mother and given as presents to my sister and I the night before.
Yes, I admit, I was raised to have impeccable manners and that is in no way a bad thing. It’s a very good thing. Should good manners be taught in school? No way! Teachers have enough on their plates. Parents should be teaching and showing their kids good manners.
Instead of eating in front of the TV or worse, leaving the kids at the table alone to eat – sit down with them (and don’t get up until they’re done). Show them there is a time and place for everything. Show them how to eat without waving their fork all over the place dropping food all over the floor and playing at the table. Help them learn how to use their utensils and not shovel food into their mouths with their hands before they enter school. Show them how to use their napkin. Don’t let them get away with not saying please and thank you. Be consistent. Show them how to behave in public and enforce consequences when they don’t (hint, the rest of us shouldn’t have to be subject to the temper tantrum of your toddler because he didn’t get a nap before you took him to the high-priced, two hour King Tut exhibit). Suck it up and exit, with your child, stage left. Show them why wearing clothes that are inappropriate in public is rude (hint, the rest of us don’t want to see your son’s underwear or his crack while walking around at the mall and we don’t think hello kitty pajamas are the cool thing to wear to the grocery store). Teach them to take off their hat at the table. Teach them how to look someone in the eye when they speak. Teach them to use words and phrases like please, thank you, excuse me, may I, and sorry.
Show them how far a little bit of manners will take them, because manners is also the beginnings of tact, negotiation skills, communication skills, empathy, and learning to appreciate others.
Here’s the thing, kids should be encouraged to grow and explore and to be anything they want to be, but not at the expense of others and not as ignorant savages. Kids should have parents that care enough to show them how the world truly operates and how to function properly in it. Despite the fact that we all want our kids to be free, there are simple social frameworks required within society to facilitate healthy and productive relationships. Good manners are an essential part of this training.
Anyone else care to add their two cents?
K.A. Olgren Stories 'n' More 