philosophy

Don’t Tread on Me

~ Kim Olgren ~ Leave a comment

Learning how not to be taken advantage of when you’re an open, empathic heart is difficult. It’s taken a long time for me to learn that saying “no” is, in many cases, better than saying “yes”. Here’s the thing about being there for everyone all the time…it’s exhausting and it doesn’t really help anyone, including you, especially if you are being taken advantage of or used you as a crutch. Saying “yes” when everything in you is screaming “no” is wrong. Yes, it is. Think about that obligatory function that you promised you’d go to with your coworker or friend even though you hate “functions” and you’re especially not into the topic. What happened when she asked you to go? Did your chest tighten up? Was there a voice in your head screaming “NO” while another was trying to find justification for saying no, while another was trying to convince you that it wouldn’t be that bad and you’d get to spend time with your friend? Did your throat start to feel like it wanted to close up? Did you already feel guilty for even thinking of saying no?

If none of this has ever happened to you, good for you! You apparently know how to say “no” in no uncertain terms. You probably won’t be interested in anything further said here. Have a nice day.

As for the rest of us who have been faced with the hard “no’s” this is for you. IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO…………TO ANYTHING! There. I said it. It’s out in the open and I feel fabulous! You do not have to be a doormat. You do not have to hold anyone else up. You can focus on the stuff you need/want.

Where is all this coming from, you may ask? Well, as I began taking writing seriously and started writing for a purpose (and hopefully make a buck or two) I learned something pretty quickly. I had to take myself seriously as a writer if I expected others to take me seriously. That meant that my writing time had to become sacred no matter whether anyone else understood it or not. It’s my job to make the people in my life understand that I am working when I am writing just as much as if I were going to the office. That means that if I’m at work I am not available to go to functions that aren’t relevant to my job or no longer fit into my plans, do favors that I wouldn’t ordinarily do while I’m on the clock and so on. When I am writing, I am on the clock and people will only take that as seriously as I do.

I’m not saying that you get to arbitrarily say “no”. All I’m saying is seriously think about the things that you’re saying “yes” to that really, really make you want to pull your hair out and examine why “no” might be a better answer. Also, think about why you want to say “no” as this could be very enlightening. If you’re saying “no” out of fear, then maybe you should think about saying “yes” (unless your fear is that saying yes will immediately lead to another situation where you are once again forced to say “yes” or “no”). Empower yourself to be you!

Just something to think about…

Where Have All the Good Mannered People Gone?

~ Kim Olgren ~ 3 Comments

 Warning! The following is a rant and may be offensive to barbarians, heathens, savages, and other people your mother may have accused of being uncivilized and possibly used in comparison to others.

I’ve been wondering where common manners have gone. I feel like I’m some kind of old-fashioned relic just because I expect people to have manners. I’m not talking about middle-ages chivalry here or some strange guy throwing his brooks brothers down so I can walk over a puddle, just the everyday stuff, like holding the door for the next person or for someone who obviously needs it because they are handicapped or have their hands full. I’m talking about a simple please and thank you. I’m talking about asking instead of demanding, responding with a simple yes or no when you are asked to attend an event. I’m talking about dencent table manners and chewing with your mouth shut. Where have all the good mannered people gone?

Here’s a story from when my kids were younger, before I had a real cell phone and when many of my friends didn’t have one. My Daughter was about 12 and my son was about 9. We were on our way home from a school function. I was wearing a dress and heels and the kids were tired out. It was dark and the roads were a slushy mess from a recent snowstorm. We were barely a block away from the school when my tire went flat. Now let me just say that I am in no way some damsel in distress that doesn’t know how to change a tire. My dad made sure of that. Thanks dad! 🙂 However, I was in a dress and heels and had two young children in the car.

I pulled off onto a neighborhood side street, a cul de sac, I think it was. A few minutes later a few men came out of one of the houses to see what was up. I couldn’t believe that not a one of them lifted a finger or so much as offered to change the tire for me even when I had a little trouble with one of the lug nuts and told them I had the little ones in the car. Although one was kind enough to hold a flash light for me. After all, they were in jeans and boots and I was now squatting in the slush, ice melt, and muck ruining my dress and my heels. I certainly wasn’t going to ask since I was perfectly capable of changing the tire myself, but where were the manners?

On more than one occasion either my husband or I have invited someone over or out somewhere well in advance so that they had time to plan and RSVP only to have them hem-haw around and never hear a definitive from them and find them absent from wherever said invitation was to. Sometimes we’ll even try to make contact a day or two before to no avail. I ask you, where are the manners? A simple yes or no will do people.

When my kids got old enough to attend birthday and slumber parties at their friends’ houses I consistently received high praises from parents about how polite and thoughtful they were. Kids would come to my house and say “I want this” or “I want that” no please, no “may it”, just “I want”. Really? No wonder the other parents thought my kids were a joy to be around.

Don’t even get me started on the way kids dress in public with their saggy pants and wearing their pajamas and slippers in public. I wasn’t even allowed out of my room until I was fully dressed except on Christmas day when I got to wear the pj’s that were picked out by my mother and given as presents to my sister and I the night before.

Yes, I admit, I was raised to have impeccable manners and that is in no way a bad thing. It’s a very good thing. Should good manners be taught in school? No way! Teachers have enough on their plates. Parents should be teaching and showing their kids good manners.

Instead of eating in front of the TV or worse, leaving the kids at the table alone to eat – sit down with them (and don’t get up until they’re done). Show them there is a time and place for everything. Show them how to eat without waving their fork all over the place dropping food all over the floor and playing at the table. Help them learn how to use their utensils and not shovel food into their mouths with their hands before they enter school. Show them how to use their napkin. Don’t let them get away with not saying please and thank you. Be consistent. Show them how to behave in public and enforce consequences when they don’t (hint, the rest of us shouldn’t have to be subject to the temper tantrum of your toddler because he didn’t get a nap before you took him to the high-priced, two hour King Tut exhibit). Suck it up and exit, with your child, stage left. Show them why wearing clothes that are inappropriate in public is rude (hint, the rest of us don’t want to see your son’s underwear or his crack while walking around at the mall and we don’t think hello kitty pajamas are the cool thing to wear to the grocery store). Teach them to take off their hat at the table. Teach them how to look someone in the eye when they speak. Teach them to use words and phrases like please, thank you, excuse me, may I, and sorry.

Show them how far a little bit of manners will take them, because manners is also the beginnings of tact, negotiation skills, communication skills, empathy, and learning to appreciate others.

Here’s the thing, kids should be encouraged to grow and explore and to be anything they want to be, but not at the expense of others and not as ignorant savages. Kids should have parents that care enough to show them how the world truly operates and how to function properly in it. Despite the fact that we all want our kids to be free, there are simple social frameworks required within society to facilitate healthy and productive relationships. Good manners are an essential part of this training.

Anyone else care to add their two cents?

An Attitude of Gratitude

~ Kim Olgren ~ 3 Comments
"Dancing with the Goddess" Original Artwork by Kim Olgren

When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears. – Anthony Robbins

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary gratitude is the state of being grateful: THANKFULNESS. Well that cleared things right up didn’t it? Like many seekers, I believe the effects of gratitude are so much more than what this simple definition provides. Gratitude sets in motion wondrous and varied reciprocal actions for the person who sent out that little bit of gratitude to begin with. It’s truly amazing what a little gratitude can do.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you? – William A. Ward

We don’t even have to wait until something happens to grateful for it. We can be thankful in advance for whatever it is we are envisioning for the future, in fact gratitude helps manifest the things we are working on bringing to life. Gratitude lightens the heart, helps to keep us grounded, and focuses our attention on the positive rather than allowing us to dwell on the negative. Life has its ups and downs, the trick is to find the things to be grateful for in the downs as well as the ups. If nothing else, we can be grateful for the lesson a down time has shown us.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. – Oprah Winfrey

Gratitude is an essential requirement of healthy spirituality and a healthy mental state. Gratitude is an integral part of the life of every person who has had, is having, or will have a positive effect on humanity. Gratitude is one of the cornerstones of greatness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of change-the-face-of-humanity greatness of Mother Theresa. If you’ve managed to teach your children true, heartfelt gratitude or managed to touch someone’s heart with gratitude, you already possess greatness. You have an attitude of gratitude!

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” – Melody Beattie

Daily, mindful practice of gratitude changes our perspective on life and everything around us. If you keep a journal try incorporating five things you are grateful for every day. Another way to practice gratitude is to think of five things you’re thankful for before you go to sleep each night. Taking time to meditate on the concept of gratitude and the things you are thankful for is another way to bring more of it into your life. Make a point to say thank you…and mean it. Show genuine appreciation where it is due and show gratitude for the lessons you’ve learned.  It’s quite easy to find a myriad of ways to practice gratitude all through the day and it only makes each day, each life, better for you and those around you. How do you practice your attitude of gratitude?

For each new morning with its light, for rest and shelter of the night, for health and food, for love and friends, for everything Thy goodness sends. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can’t You Just Sit Still For Five Minutes!

~ Kim Olgren ~ Leave a comment

Did anyone else’s mother ever utter these words, or was it just me? What a concept. Life seems to expect us to be busy, busy, busy all the time, but what about purposefully being still? What? You mean meditation? Who has time for that? Perhaps this is part of what’s wrong with the world today. Many of us are buzzing around at light speed noisy and constantly focusing our attention on things outside of ourselves, our jobs, other people, grocery shopping, how badly the dog needs a bath, the kids are due for vaccinations; you name it, never taking the time to check in with what is going on inside. I know. I used to be one of those people. If more people spent just a little time being introspective, the perspective of the whole world could change. No, I haven’t been into the punch. It’s true.

Being still (meditation) is hard. Being still is not about activity; it’s about noticing, listening, breathing. It’s not about control; it’s about letting it all go. It’s not about thinking; it’s about being. It’s definitely not boring, but you do have to get out of your own way. You literally only have to sit still for five minutes every day to make a profound impact on your life and the lives of those around you. I’m pretty sure most people can make time for five minutes, but five minutes is an awfully tiny amount of time to keep track of, or is it? Heck, back when I was a lot younger and worked at Pizza Hut you could get a personal pan pizza in five minutes. That was when I first learned that five minutes was a lot longer than I thought it was. I could get a lot accomplished in five minutes. I could wipe down the salad bar, check on a couple of tables, and drop off some dishes in the kitchen, all well within five minutes.

So how come it’s so danged hard to sit still for five minutes. Well, what happens when I try to sit still is all these thoughts come rushing at me from all directions. Shoot, I still have a load of laundry in the dryer to fold, did I send off that email to mom, my boss, a coworker, writing ideas, my nose is itchy, where did I leave my water bottle, what am I going to make for dinner, what do I want for lunch…all flying at me at once. Trying to send them away only makes it worse. So I don’t send them away. These thoughts are only rushing at me because I’ve become quiet enough to listen. Each time a thought goes by I acknowledge it and say “okay” and go back to my meditation.

Meditation requires 6 easy things:

  • A quiet and safe place to minimize distraction
  • A willing attitude and spirit
  • Breathing
  • Acknowledgement
  • Letting go
  • A little chunk of time

When I was first learning to meditate and was only doing it for five minutes (and believe me, five minutes is plenty to start off with, work up to where you’d like to be in five minute increments). The first four minutes or so went something like this: Okay, breathe. Intention: feel the love… Momdaughtersonlaundryhusbandshoppingguiltyaggrivateddiabetesyuckyfeelingwarmfeelingohthat’sbetter breathe…what a mess! This is why meditation requires daily practice if you want to get results. I got better at letting go of the thoughts that weren’t my intention focusing on my intended target and my breath in a relaxed way. I was training my mind that it was time to meditate and telling ego that it was time to step aside and that I was in charge, not it. Soon I was meditating for much longer periods and/or more than once per day.

Some of the benefits of meditation for this average human include:

  • Better focus on tasks because my mind is better organized
  • It got easier to identify what I wanted out of a given situation because I’d focused on it through meditation and could identify every detail in an articulate manner
  • It got easier to use my intuition because I am more connected to my higher self and/or higher power (this is not about religion)
  • Clearly defining goals and issues got easier because I’d given them the time and consideration that they deserved instead of pushing them onto the back burner
  • Communicating my intentions, feelings, actions, etc. got easier because I could approach decisions from a place of power and confidence rather than fear, such as a fear of saying the wrong thing or what would happen if I made the wrong decision
  • Helps me stay calm and focused under pressure or in emotional situations

There are lots of different meditation techniques and yes, there’s an app for that. Most people find it easiest just to start with concentrating on their breath, in and out, in and out and going on from there. Go on, try it. As a mother, I’m asking you, “Can you just sit still for five minutes?”

What are your experiences with meditation? Have you tried it? If not what do you think about it?

Finding Truth

~ Kim Olgren ~ 2 Comments
The-Holstee-Manifesto
The-Holstee-Manifesto

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about authenticity. Having been unemployed for quite some time now, I’ve been given the opportunity for some serious self-exploration and introspection. Part of what I found is that I had moved away from my authentic self. Much like Joe Banks in the movie Joe vs. the Volcano, when I thought about myself I found I was boring. Now before I move on I should probably give some definition and background here. In this case we are talking about philosophical personal authenticity. Nah, that sounds too high falutin’ to me. How about I just didn’t feel like I was being true to myself anymore and that I wasn’t living anywhere near my potential. Although I suppose coming out of earning a bachelor degree in my 40s, attending full time classes online while still working full time could cause anyone’s head to spin off its axis. But it was more than that…I didn’t feel like “me” anymore.

The me I knew was happy, fun, and loved doing silly stuff like dressing up in full Renaissance attire and attending the local renaissance fair or feverishly finding new ways to irreverently celebrate the holiday season such as planting a seven foot tall Grinch in my front yard facing my friend’s house who never decorates for the holidays. I wasn’t doing anything of the sort anymore. I was going to work, going home, doing homework and sleeping. Once in a while the real me would peek out during a vacation or a visit with my grandkids, but for the most part I was all business, nose to the grindstone, too busy for life. For four years I even dropped my favorite thing, reading books. For four years I read nothing but text books. For four years I more or less disconnected with friends or family. It was just textbooks books and my laptop. I graduated with honors for that, but at what cost?

I find it hard to say without sounding cliché, but losing my job was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. Losing my job caused me to closely examine what I really wanted in life. Losing my job made made me ask myself the tough questions. It was the first time I had ever lost a job and I had a lot of feelings about that too. So in between the usual job search responsibilities I began looking at what I really wanted, what would make me psyched about life again, and get me some joy.

Notice there is no talk about money here. Money really wasn’t on my mind because I’ve always known that money doesn’t buy happiness. Happiness comes from within and truth is personally subjective. The problem was that I thought I had been working toward something that I would be happy doing, but I was wrong. I had failed. Okay, no biggie, not like that hadn’t happened before, this one just didn’t happen on my terms.

Once I figured out where I wanted to go next, why, and how it fit into my plans for a happy and healthy life, I was good to go. Now I’m looking forward to the next open door, curious about what is on the other side and rarin’ for a change, to get back to me. Does this mean that I get to leave the rat race? No, I’m still seeking a decent “day job” because I have responsibilities and commitments (namely student loans and bills to pay), and I accept that. What I will not accept is getting so lost in the forest that I abandon my own truth to wild predators. The way to finding my own authenticity and truth for me was to be still and really listen. It was all there, I had just drowned out the voice.

Have you ever lost your way on your personal path? How did you get back to you?