behavior

Desire Leads to a Different New Year Perspective

~ Kim Olgren ~ 2 Comments

So here we are, nearly half-way through the first month of the new year. If you’re like me, New Year’s resolutions don’t really work for you. I stopped making them years ago.

But last year I found something different.

Danielle LaPorte put out this book called The Desire Map and that was a game changer. Now before you tune out and go off thinking “Oh, God! Not another self-help guru’s sheep spouting the wisdom of said chosen guru.” Take a moment to think about this.

What if you stopped thinking about your life in terms of goals, and instead, focused on how you want to feel? Seriously. All those things that you want to do or get done, lose weight, find the right someone, write that book, are all intended to make you feel a certain, desired way anyhow. What if you focused on those feelings and the things you could do on a daily basis to support them?

But I digress, this post is not about the book, the system, the day planner, the cards, the book groups, or the facilitators springing up around the world. The D-Movement (I just made that up myself).

This post is about how focusing on how you want to feel; a subtle shift that changes everything. Including what you thought were your goals. It changes the way you think about everything.

So here’s my case in point. I am not one for routine. I find it to be mindnumbingly boring…a creativity and momentum killer…basically a big downer. However, the practical, hardworking Capricorn part of me knows that routines and schedules are necessary to success, which also means I have a very difficult time putting down a task that is unfinished just because the time to work on said task is up and I must move on to the next. I was having trouble coming up with a way to be more comfortable with routine and schedules. Does this sound immature? It doesn’t matter, it’s the way I feel and I am plenty mature enough to acknowledge my faults and deal with them or work around them <sticks tongue out and makes face>. Also, I have a physiological challenge that cause me to become foggy or unable to focus for anywhere from an hour to days.

I went to the go-to Desire Map group on facebook.com to help me brainstorm an answer because I’ll take a little help from wherever I can get it, I’m exploitative like that. I got a lot of really great answers from going with the flow to wonderful mantras, to-do lists, thinking of it as taking control, and doing what feels good. The coolest thing was that everyone shared what they felt in their heart might help me. No one, single person posted anything like “just suck it up and do it, you pansy!.” That in itself was immensely impressive to me because, you know, there’s always one in every group.

So, my fair readers and DMapers, without further ado, here’s what I came up with. It resonated with my entire being and at the same time struck me as a gigantic, DOH!

I found the secret to submitting to a routine and scheduled tasks was…

drum roll please…<apple drops on noggin>

Nurturing.

What?! I know, right!!!

Here’s the thing, all those “routine” tasks that I think are so boring and ask myself “why do I have to do this?” about, are only nurturing me. Dishes, laundry, housework, only gives back to me (mainly because we are empty-nesters now and there are no kids here anymore to suck up the benefits of my labors. Love ya kids! Mwah!). Scheduling writing time, exercise time, and meditation time only gives back to me, sometimes many-fold more that I put into it. So before you think that I might need a maid and an assistant – I know these things are beneficial and nurturing to me because of the way I f-e-e-l after I have done them. Clean, proud, accomplished, happy, content, and generally good.

So, when I perform my routine, when I schedule these things that are important to me, but may or may not want to do at that time, I am taking care of me, nurturing myself, taking time to love me. In turn, nurturing myself allows me to be more nurturing to others and that’s what it’s really all about.

If you want to know more about Desire Mapping and the great things you can do with it, Check out Danielle LaPorte’s website at DanielleLaporte.com if you find you’re fired up about it, join our group on facebook.com. Happy New Year! May your best and greatest destiny be yours!

As always…feel free to discuss below.

Where Have All the Good Mannered People Gone?

~ Kim Olgren ~ 3 Comments

 Warning! The following is a rant and may be offensive to barbarians, heathens, savages, and other people your mother may have accused of being uncivilized and possibly used in comparison to others.

I’ve been wondering where common manners have gone. I feel like I’m some kind of old-fashioned relic just because I expect people to have manners. I’m not talking about middle-ages chivalry here or some strange guy throwing his brooks brothers down so I can walk over a puddle, just the everyday stuff, like holding the door for the next person or for someone who obviously needs it because they are handicapped or have their hands full. I’m talking about a simple please and thank you. I’m talking about asking instead of demanding, responding with a simple yes or no when you are asked to attend an event. I’m talking about dencent table manners and chewing with your mouth shut. Where have all the good mannered people gone?

Here’s a story from when my kids were younger, before I had a real cell phone and when many of my friends didn’t have one. My Daughter was about 12 and my son was about 9. We were on our way home from a school function. I was wearing a dress and heels and the kids were tired out. It was dark and the roads were a slushy mess from a recent snowstorm. We were barely a block away from the school when my tire went flat. Now let me just say that I am in no way some damsel in distress that doesn’t know how to change a tire. My dad made sure of that. Thanks dad! 🙂 However, I was in a dress and heels and had two young children in the car.

I pulled off onto a neighborhood side street, a cul de sac, I think it was. A few minutes later a few men came out of one of the houses to see what was up. I couldn’t believe that not a one of them lifted a finger or so much as offered to change the tire for me even when I had a little trouble with one of the lug nuts and told them I had the little ones in the car. Although one was kind enough to hold a flash light for me. After all, they were in jeans and boots and I was now squatting in the slush, ice melt, and muck ruining my dress and my heels. I certainly wasn’t going to ask since I was perfectly capable of changing the tire myself, but where were the manners?

On more than one occasion either my husband or I have invited someone over or out somewhere well in advance so that they had time to plan and RSVP only to have them hem-haw around and never hear a definitive from them and find them absent from wherever said invitation was to. Sometimes we’ll even try to make contact a day or two before to no avail. I ask you, where are the manners? A simple yes or no will do people.

When my kids got old enough to attend birthday and slumber parties at their friends’ houses I consistently received high praises from parents about how polite and thoughtful they were. Kids would come to my house and say “I want this” or “I want that” no please, no “may it”, just “I want”. Really? No wonder the other parents thought my kids were a joy to be around.

Don’t even get me started on the way kids dress in public with their saggy pants and wearing their pajamas and slippers in public. I wasn’t even allowed out of my room until I was fully dressed except on Christmas day when I got to wear the pj’s that were picked out by my mother and given as presents to my sister and I the night before.

Yes, I admit, I was raised to have impeccable manners and that is in no way a bad thing. It’s a very good thing. Should good manners be taught in school? No way! Teachers have enough on their plates. Parents should be teaching and showing their kids good manners.

Instead of eating in front of the TV or worse, leaving the kids at the table alone to eat – sit down with them (and don’t get up until they’re done). Show them there is a time and place for everything. Show them how to eat without waving their fork all over the place dropping food all over the floor and playing at the table. Help them learn how to use their utensils and not shovel food into their mouths with their hands before they enter school. Show them how to use their napkin. Don’t let them get away with not saying please and thank you. Be consistent. Show them how to behave in public and enforce consequences when they don’t (hint, the rest of us shouldn’t have to be subject to the temper tantrum of your toddler because he didn’t get a nap before you took him to the high-priced, two hour King Tut exhibit). Suck it up and exit, with your child, stage left. Show them why wearing clothes that are inappropriate in public is rude (hint, the rest of us don’t want to see your son’s underwear or his crack while walking around at the mall and we don’t think hello kitty pajamas are the cool thing to wear to the grocery store). Teach them to take off their hat at the table. Teach them how to look someone in the eye when they speak. Teach them to use words and phrases like please, thank you, excuse me, may I, and sorry.

Show them how far a little bit of manners will take them, because manners is also the beginnings of tact, negotiation skills, communication skills, empathy, and learning to appreciate others.

Here’s the thing, kids should be encouraged to grow and explore and to be anything they want to be, but not at the expense of others and not as ignorant savages. Kids should have parents that care enough to show them how the world truly operates and how to function properly in it. Despite the fact that we all want our kids to be free, there are simple social frameworks required within society to facilitate healthy and productive relationships. Good manners are an essential part of this training.

Anyone else care to add their two cents?